so, to properly update this tumblr the “about me” section says i am training for my first marathon
truth is… i WAS.
but then i got sick, and [ a year later ] i have yet to recover
and it’s diagnosed as chronic fatigue syndrome [ such inadequate words! ] though sometimes it’s called myalgic encephalomyelitis or M.E. for short chances are, you don’t know much about this and neither did i thankfully, we’re not alone because neither does the medical profession there is no cure it is only possible to sometimes manage symptoms so…. examples: help with sleeping, help with depression, pain killers for pain but the illness is always there underneath all your efforts
and it is invisible only sometimes, the eyes give it away…
anyway, to cut a long story short it can get better through management and ‘pacing yourself’
i am currently on half-days at work i can’t stand up much longer than an hour or so i get headaches and mental blocks i struggle sometimes to find…. um…. [?] …. WORDS! in conversation
i went for a walk the other day it lasted an hour the sky rained on me and it was lovely to feel alive again i was shattered after this, but hey ho - that’s manageable the payback comes the NEXT DAY aches and migraines and shakes and weakness that’s how this goes
anyway, difficult to cope with you might imagine? YES. i’ve been to counselling and today to a support group at which, i was the newbie, fresh and only just ill and they seemed mostly resigned to their states some after nearly thirty years
first feeling: sadness then: empathy then: fear
i WILL get better. i’m gonna fight this thing. i have the odds in my favour. i’m young enough. and i’ve half-recovered twice. i just need to pace myself, and manage this
it WILL be okay.
it HAS to be.
[ so here-in lies my newest journey ]
[ i’m gonna document it, for you ]
thanks if you read this. if you’re fellow sufferers, please get in touch.
i’ve decided to start giving away my entire first album, a song a day for the next 12 days. This is the first track. Hope ya’ dig it. I am quite proud of it, despite the state of my singing voice back then. Especially proud of my band that helped make it.
Hi! You're super cool. You make awesome music. You're a gardener. You live in New Zealand. Is it possible that you are my dream life from the future come back to intimidate/taunt/inspire/encourage me?
Yes! I’m not cool, I’m a try-hard! Haha. Just doing the things I love. Creativity is pretty much the meaning of life for me, and constantly learning. My next thing is that I’m starting a woodwork course soon! Excited.
it’s been eight months since glandular fever
and now i have chronic fatigue syndrome
and i understand all anyone who’s ever had it does
it’s invisible, and people don’t understand it
it looks like weakness
you can’t complain
you can’t do things
you somehow have to stay happy
i’ve reasoned lately that my ideal relationship is where i am independent whilst AT THE SAME TIME with somebody who is also independent
that we both do what we wanna do to make ourselves fit, healthy, and happy
and then at moments through the week we come together, support each other, hang out
or send a little unexpected text or two of love
and that the relationship embellishes this happiness that we make for ourselves
almost like the icing on the cake
But I wonder…
is that selfish of me?
when perhaps a partner wants time, needs healing,
needs help getting by