December 2010
26 posts
/ heavy boots / surfin' blues
so, it’s not been the best day…
my first of three days off from work
and i woke to find my car had been broken in to
then I told myself that there ain’t nothin’ i can do
[ and at least nothing was stolen ]
so i shrugged it off
decided to get on with my day
i patched up the window
collected some friends
and hit the waves
[ or they hit me ]
i surfed for a little while
riding them into the shallows
it was goin’ good
but on one ride in, i went too shallow
[ beginner mistake, i guess ]
it hit a little rocky bit of sand
and broke two fins off my board
cracking the material around them
this is expensive, and i don’t have any money
[ plus, it means no more surfing for a few days ]
heavy boots.
i dropped my friends back home
and put Bob Dylan on my car stereo
[ super loud ]
to try to make it all okay again
he told me “don’t think twice, it’s alright”
a message to the folks back home [ and the folks that i have met ]
hey mum, and hey dad, and hello friends, and significant others,
i read the news every day, and watch the weather reports
[ to see what is happening where you are ]
if i’ve spoken to you recently and heard that you have cold/flu [ or a broken arm ]
then of course i worry, i wish i could be there to help you with stuff
on the most part i’m happy, y’know
it was the right thing to leave London, for sure
and here i can be more active and that’s important
and i have more time for my pursuits
also, the distance that i covered on my way to this place…
well - that kinda gave me a taste for getting out into the wider world
so i hope to do that in the new year
see more things, surf more waves, climb more rocks
write more songs, ramble endlessly, maybe fall in love
anyway, there are ups and downs
[ there always will be….. duh. ]
if we accept the sadness as inevitable,
deal with it as if it were a brief bout of cold or flu
then it makes life a little easier to contend with
i’m planning on seeing as many of you as possible in the new year
i’ll return to the UK for a little while to watch two wonderful people get married
and on my way i’ll have an adventure
i would like you all to step up and join me
if not in presence, then in mind
do something that you’ve always wanted to do
or go somewhere, finally take that leap
[ i love hearing your travelling tales ]
and remember:
- adventure is only adventure when things go a little wrong
AND
- bad decisions make good stories
anyway, i send hugs and high fives
and lots of love
[ from the otherside of the world ]
be well, and be warm,
ali
x
“
[ this is one of my favourite poems. i believe that i have felt love like this, a love that i had no choice but to let go. this inspired a song i wrote, a long, long time ago. i understand that although we may be noble, by giving our love the silence that they wish, we realise in our pain that we may never kiss their lips with even a whisper of a breath ever again. the heart still hopes against hope that in some straying nostalgic moment, flickering in the winter of their life - they might just stumble upon a memory of something whole and true. ]
When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
[ this is one of my favourite poems. i believe that i have felt love like this, a love that i had no choice but to let go. this inspired a song i wrote, a long, long time ago. i understand that although we may be noble, by giving our love the silence that they wish, we realise in our pain that we may never kiss their lips with even a whisper of a breath ever again. the heart still hopes against hope that in some straying nostalgic moment, flickering in the winter of their life - they might just stumble upon a memory of something whole and true. ]
"Surfing: A Royal Sport" by Jack London [ from "The Cruise of the Snark" (1911) ] →
mountainman.com.au
Next year, I have to go back to England for the wedding of two of my best friends. I am already using this as an excuse to see more of the world. I wanted, at first, to go via Japan and then back around through the States, however that seems too expensive. However, my latest and more streamline plan was to somehow swing by Hawaii to indulge my addiction to surfing.
For those of you following this Tumblr, you’ll have seen my writing about surfing from a few weeks ago. I was really taken with it. Sadly, I was so taken with it that I hurt myself and haven’t surfed in 11 days now for fear of worsening the injury. All the same, my obsession has not diminished and I stumbled upon a piece of writing by Jack London (click the above link) about his first time surf-riding. It turns out it would have been written 100 years ago next June. As it so happens, this was when I planned to visit Hawaii.
There is a lot that I relate to; the nose dives when you’re still learning to put your weight in the right place, the battle to get out past the breakers to the bluewater. Even the childlike symptom of surfing for so long with such enthusiasm that his body ended up hurt. But his conviction to continue riding held strong throughout his recovery, and he vowed to master those waves.
Do I think it’s a sign? You betcha. I’ll dedicate my trip next year to Jack London, and you’re all welcome to join me.
I'm pretty sure sparrows are an endangered species in th U.K. which says a lot if you think about it...Glad to see NZ is going well :]
hello anonymous. yes, sadly the house sparrows are endangered in the UK. perhaps that’s why i noticed them as something unusual when i was in Berlin. and here in Wellington they’re confident little fellas too, as i drink my coffee inside Deluxe Cafe they’ll come inside and chirp, stealing crumbs. for me, sparrows signify innocence and their flight is their freedom. they are something special in this world.
i just had an X-ray of my ribs
on the left hand-side
[ but it wasn’t to see my heart ]
even though that hurts too
it’s because of TOO MUCH, TOO SOON
ha ha ha
if you look at all the posts on surfing
it was a healthy obsession
but I perhaps did just one outing too many
eek.
I See A Darkness
Bonnie 'Prince' Billy
‘i see a darkness’ by bonnie ‘prince’ billy
hey will oldham, i think i understand you. i think you made me realise it’s okay sometimes, that we’re all in this together. for in this world, we love what we identify with the most. you should be a friend of mine.
“you know i have a love, a love for everyone i know
and you know i have a drive to live (i won’t let go)
but can you see its opposition comes rising up sometimes
its dreadful imposition comes blackening my mind
and i see a darkness
but did you know how much i love you
and my hope that someday you
you can save me from this darkness”
the ups and the downs
i have never gone into detail about the reasons i left London
and the driving forces behind the change
it was lots of things going wrong
[ lots of small things ]
i liken it to those air crash investigation programmes
where several little things go wrong or break
plus a particular type of environment
and the end result is a disaster
but if ONLY one of the things went wrong, it’s all just a small fault
[ possible to overcome ]
anyway, there were many hurts that caused me to kinda implode in London
it culminated in last Christmas spent alone
[ I felt that I couldn’t be around anybody ]
and then at the beginning of the year
I had bad anxiety and even a panic attack
it was a long road to feel better
and I truly had it nailed
settling here quickly and adjusting well
travelling was liberating
my new love of surfing made me feel alive
inspiration arrived again
however, today - on a sunny Sunday afternoon
I had a panic attack again
just about to go to the beach with friends
I was feeling very sad anyway, for no reason
and my rib is still so sore that I can’t exercise
I suddenly felt that I couldn’t be in company
gave my car keys to my brother
told them all to go without me
they were concerned but I insisted
and then i walked away
with my back to them, I burst into tears
on a sunny Sunday
there should be no reason to worry
but I couldn’t see how I could cope with the next few hours
then the next few days
and so on
it was devastating
I came home, had a lie down
dozed and had vivid dreams
my eyes are now bleary
and my body is so sore
I want to feel better :(
and i felt like all my travelling…
all the things I’d done
to turn my thoughts away from the shadows in my mind, always lurking
well, it’s tough to figure out, to understand
i need a hug and some magic potion to make me heal
but I realise I just need to let time pass
and get better again or at least try
it's not about standing, it's about falling [ what i love most about surfing ]
paddling outwards
your escape
as if the land is a metaphor
[ for something i don’t understand ]
at first there’s fresh, unspent energy
clean movements struck with enthusiasm
the shouts and the fun fall away behind you
slowly drowned by white water, white noise
and then you’re hit head-on by a few breakers
you have a choice of jumping
[ which is fun ]
trying to rise above them
to be weightless for a moment
or, if they’re breaking exactly over your head
[ as they often are ]
then you have to duck down, and try to dive through
[ it’s hard work, man ]
but once you’re past that point
and paddling still
the slapping of the water on the underneath of the board
the distance from the shore
you sit in your hopeful solitude
waiting
[ waiting, still ]
for the right one
until you see it heaving the horizon
and you turn, not frantically
but efficiently
calmly
and if you’re lucky
you catch the wave, man
it’s exhilarating, often too quick
the noise and the spray awash
you fall or you jump or you slip
and then
you’re under
[ and this is my favourite part ]
the silence and the slow-motion
somersaults and closed eyes
held breath
in love with temporary stillness
a break. away. from. everything.
until you find the surface
[ i wasn’t scared at all ]
the whooshing, encompassing noise
floods your drowsy head
easing
until you find out where you are
who you are
and you can slowly see again
i cannot pin-point the reason why i have felt sad today
it could just be tiredness
or it could be because i hurt myself when surfing
[ nothing serious, just a bruise to the cage that protects my little heart ]
or it could be because i haven’t drawn a sparrow in a while
though, that is a symptom of spending too much time doing other [ fun ] things
i should give myself a break
and i’m aware i haven’t written words for quite some time
and now my thoughts are congested
little mini tornadoes of possible unearthed substance
[ like the kind that pick up leaves in an empty schoolyard ]
[ except the leaves are my thoughts ]
like my head is in winter
when my body is in summer
ANYWAY…
it could just be that age old feeling of missing something or someone
but let’s not dwell on circumstance
for it could just be the ‘sunday blues’
la la la
sing your heart out
my new wetsuit
that i ordered
was a little too big
but fits my brother perfectly
sooooo
*cough*
that’s his christmas present sorted
we agreed
guess what he’s getting me?
hahaha
and today,
i bought him waterproof plasters
so he can surf with me tomorrow
as he is still a little damaged from Hawaii
( he was there last week )
November 2010
41 posts
“i hate it when i’m all looking forward to an apple and then it turns out to be one of those powdery ones with no crunch”
—
